Here

Today has got to be my most unproductive day in a very long time:( Well I guess its cuz I haven't had the proper time to study because of all my projects. So...., as the day is coming to an end, I am still being unproductive-.- Decided to come here again to write down my thoughts, so that this space doesn't become a place where I vent my angsty-ness. For a really long time now, my thoughts are always filled with what's my future, what do I want to do after I graduate, why am I studying so hard, why am I always stressing myself up for? I still don't really understand, and I always come to the conclusion that it is this society, the school, the people around me. And that I, don't really have a choice. Because even when I decide to sit down and start thinking of my purpose in life, I doesn't take me long before I feel that I don't have time for this now and get back to my books soon enough. I think as I progress in uni life, the more uncertain I feel, the more decisions I have to make. The past week left me thinking of what majors I intend to take. I feel as if the major I take will determine my job in future, which gives me immense pressure. And correction, I am not totally blaming others for what I'm feeling now.

And then, then other things in life that brings out the little stress in you. But then again, I try to brush those aside because I have 'no time' to think and handle those trivial issues.

And I thought about how much I've changed throughout the years too. I did changed quite a bit. One thing that I must admit, is that I am no longer as accommodating as before, no longer as 'nice' as before. I think it's when you have been always trying to accommodate every single one of your friends, every one around you, try to make everyone feel good, try to help everyone. Then one day you just realise you can't do that anymore, because it's weighing you down like crazy and you too deserve to be happy and carefree. I'm not saying I don't care about my friends now, or that I only think about myself all the time. I feel that I have devoted my time only to the people who truly mean a lot to me, and by that I mean those who I can't live without. And its always tiring to be 100% there for every single one. I know that everyone has their own lives, my bestfriend, my boyfriend, my sister, my parents. EVERYONE. So I do too, and sometimes I just want to be alone, esp when i'm finally done with a crazy week. I just don't have the time or energy to devote to you right now, but that doesn't mean I don't care. And its tiring to keep up and try to make you feel better and when I don't, feel as if it is my fault. I feel like all these are really unnecessary stress that I have to handle. Why can't we all just live life happily, seriously. Okay this was quite a rant. Oh and maybe something more positive, at least, I love now, something I never thought I will :)

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Here's a photo of me with the worst eye-bags ever before I start on the chicken in front of me because food still makes me happy.

This is the time again, I feel like I need to get back to studying and projects because there's 'no time to waste'. God knows how much I hate that sentence.